Pad See Ew To Go Please

 Let's see if I can concentrate on the content of this post while my almost 10 month old screams his lungs out because he won't let himself fall asleep - never mind that he's only had 65 minutes of sleep today {it's now 5pm} - after waking up at 6am.  Come on buddy, just give it up...  But hey, those three new teeth are looking fresh pal, how about I give you another dose of Tylenol while we're at it.  On to my new love for maxi dresses.  Typically, I'm not a huge fan, but for some reason I've been living in this dress.  It's nice and stretched out from little Clem being in my belly and the material is just perfectly lived in.  Plus, with life in July moving 100 miles per hour, I haven't had a ton of time to up-keep my legs and maxis are perfect for covering up that jungle.  Speaking of - totally random - I just bought some EOS shaving cream and it's a dream.  If you want to spend a weirdly long amount of time caressing your shin, give it a go.  {I'm telling you, I cannot concentrate right now...  You know what, I'm going to order some Thai and take a break.  You're welcome ;)}

Post inhalation of Pad See Ew and now that the babe is sleeping, round two.  The past couple weeks have been crazy busy and super fun.  However, like a pendulum swinging, what goes up, must come down.  I have been newborn-baby-bone-tired.  And when I'm that tired, I get emotional and irrational.  I had to drop Kellen off at the airport the other day for a work trip and cried all the way home.  I just needed Clement to nap and he wasn't.  At all.  I was so exhausted I sat on the bed and sobbed as he laughed {laughed, really Clem!?} at my cry face.  The weight of being so alone {my parents basically live in a galaxy far, far away called the Midwest and my mother-in-law is out of the state of CA for a trip} was crushing.  I just needed someone to watch my babe so I could sleep for one measly hour.  I threw a pity party of epic proportions.  Thinking terrible, untrue thoughts about Kellen.  Spending too much time being jealous of the people on sail boats or at the beach and all their free time.  Dwelling on my previous life that didn't require so much work.  Basically, being selfish.  In that moment, I was crying out to God just repeating, "I need you, I need you, I cannot do this".  It's crazy how many times I've honestly thought there's no way I can go on with this.  I'm too tired.  I have nothing left to give - this kid is even too heavy just to lift.  And it's always in those moments that God gives me just what I need to keep going.  Even lifts my mood so I'm not the worst mother in the world for the rest of the day.  In this case, Clement got a hold of my phone, managed to get into my iTunes and turn From Eden by Hozier on and his little body started bouncing as he giggled away.  How can you NOT smile - even laugh - at that!?  
A highlight from yesterdays sermon was that Paul counted all his achievements as rubbish - or dung - in the Greek {or Hebrew, I can't remember exactly} translation.  The Pastor was talking about how the best we have to offer is still like offering poop to God.  I feel like motherhood has emptied me of all the 'bests' I have to offer.  I get that I am nothing - a terrible, selfish, moody mother - without God.  But what was so encouraging was that Paul, the best of the best, was saying that he had to be emptied of all confidence in himself to be of any use to God.  And that, my friends, was a stellar reminder.  Some days I think I have this motherhood thing kinda, sorta figured out.  Then a day like that happens and reminds me I offer poop, even on the best of best days.  What's amazing is that in those bad days, I find grace - extended by God, who forgives, forgets, wraps me in His arms and loves unconditionally, and by my gracious husband, who takes my cutting words like a grain of salt and buys me Thai food and celeb gossip magazines {and then I find myself embarrassed and profusely apologizing to both God and the hubs}.  And what's even more amazing is that I'm on my way to being more empty of myself and more full of God.  More like Him.  Learning from these outstandingly human moments to become more like Jesus Christ.  The fact that He would even want me to be a shadow of Him is humbling and overwhelming and incredible all at the same time.  What a God!

1 comment:

  1. Love this post!! Especially the part about emptying ourselves (sometimes its hard to imagine giving anymore of ourselves) but Christ gave more. Its a beautiful balance standing between freedom of grace and dying to ourselves in order to be more like Christ. Thank you for your honesty and encouragement today!


Thanks for the love!