Fall?

 Pardon me while I feel like fall in zero way shape or form.  I mean, I would love to wrap up in a blanket and not sweat to death, but that's just not happening anytime soon.  Last year I was baffled that it was still 90 degrees in October.  This year, I prepped.  The trick to playing fall in SoCal is buying tanks/shorts/dresses in fall colors and adding blacks and browns and of course, adding a nice felt hat.  May as well toss in a pumpkin spice latte while we're at it...  The only way I will be drinking it hot is if I'm riding in a car with the AC on full blast {which we were not above doing on our way to the pumpkin patch last year, ha}.  As far as Clement goes, I'm not even going to try.  Every single store here is selling sweaters and flannel lined jeans for babies and my poor guy is crawling around in a diaper with a red face and sweat on his nose.  But I will say these Neon Rae moccs really add the fall vibes for him {and I think Clement might be in love with them because he tries to put them on his little feet at least once a day}.  Also, this little one-piece from BabyGap - I died.  Beyond cute.  Plus the thigh wedgies... I can't get over this kid.
 
   
Dress Old Navy, Hat Nordstrom, Shoes MIA, Sunnies Mimi & Red
CK: Onsie BabyGap, Moccs Neon Rae

I feel like for some reason, this has become my 'working out my faith' space.   Or at least, finalizing what I've worked out.  If that makes sense?  Ha, if only I could work out my faith in one easy blog post.  Last Sunday the pastor was talking a bit about walking out our faith and how it's not some mystical thing that is so graceful and magical.  How it's really very practical.  I know this, but I hadn't hit on it in so long, processed what that looks like in my life currently and applied it.  He defined walk: "a pattern of conduct in our lives.  A continuous motion - a lifestyle".  When paired with the Holy Spirit {who helps/allows us to walk out our faith}, it's our responsibility to partner with the Spirit to make this happen.  I think I just really loved the 'continuous motion - a lifestyle' part.  What's crazy though, is that if I'm not being responsive to listening to the Spirit, that continuous motion stops.  I become numb to a limp.  The most recent limp {which has festered over a few months - say maybe 11 months and three weeks} is not bringing every thought captive - the words of my mouth and meditation of my mind aren't so pleasing.  Specifically in relation to my husband.  It started with blaming him for tiny little things like less sleep, more work, more time with Clement, blah blah blah selfishness.  Over time, it totally snowballed and I wasn't even attempting to stop it.  Full on bash-mode was going on in my head.  I haven't been encouraging or supportive, but negative and even just mean at times.  I haven't been speaking the truth in love, but in almost revenge - or an 'I told you so' manner.  What is really interesting is that the first three years of our marriage, I was very careful to always speak {and attempt to always think} highly of Kellen.  Then somewhere in there {oh about the time things got real with Clement} I let it slip.  I gave in.  I wanted someone to blame for my exhaustion, for my coffee spending habit, for really, everything no going so great or, very basically, life not being as easy as it was in the past.  I'm telling you guys, this year with Clement {almost a full year WHAT slash Praise the Lord, ha} has just really brought both of our selfishness into a florescent light - although I'm sure there's some more still left in there, ugh - and it's been really ugly.  But do you know what?  I have hope.  I know that we can make it through this and get back on the same page and be uplifting and supportive of each other because we have God not only pulling for us but equipping and strengthing us.  Just having light shed on my terrible thought pattern and acknowledging that it's not just Kellen's fault {haha, but really} has already helped.  I've also heard a number of other moms talk about how the first year with a child is so hard and just knowing that I'm not the only one - the only marriage - makes me even more hopeful and at peace instead of having anxiety about my marriage and, you know, blaming Kellen for it.  {I've also noticed that recently I've found so much comfort in knowing I'm not the only one dealing with life circumstances - in a number of areas - and it has just really given me as boost.  We just want to know we're not alone at the heart of things.}  So I leave you {but mainly myself} with this verse that I memorized back in junior high: "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer" Psalm 19:14



**And don't get me wrong, Clement is such a joy and no way in hades would I trade him for an easier day-to-day experience - in case it came off that way.  Just being refined over here.**

3 comments:

  1. yah I needed this post today, needed to read it, {guilty}

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  2. When keeping it real goes RIGHT. thanks for sharing Julie!

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  3. Oh girl. It would be really helpful if there WAS someone to blame for those sleepless nights and the constant fatigue and exhaustion. It would be really great to channel my frustrations toward that person...but unfortunately, that person is just a little helpless babe. Ugh! All I have to say is that it's a darn good thing the Lord got me when he did or else I'd have a pretty terrible temper and "victim" mentality all the time. I'm constantly reminded of how thankful I am for the help of the Holy Spirit because I'm a pretty terrible person without Him! haha

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Thanks for the love!